


been thinking 'bout forever

by poetrysles



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, i guess??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:48:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetrysles/pseuds/poetrysles
Summary: It had happened before, and Dan guessed it would happen again. It was happening right now, so why not again later? He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him the first time, but there had been no turning back ever since. He needed it. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but it was better than nothing at all. Having Kyle’s lips on his was better than having to see them on someone else’s. So, actually, he knew what had gotten into him the first time.This. Jealousy.





	been thinking 'bout forever

**Author's Note:**

> honestly don't know what I did with this but I think I like it??  
> thanks heather for proofreading it<3, any remaining mistake is obviously my responsibility as I changed a few things after she read this.  
> please let me know what you thought!!! xxx

It had happened before, and Dan guessed it would happen again. It was happening right now, so why not again later? He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him the first time, but there had been no turning back ever since. He needed it. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but it was better than nothing at all. Having Kyle’s lips on his was better than having to see them on someone else’s. So, actually, he knew what had gotten into him the first time. This. Jealousy. 

***

It was three months ago, they were on tour, had just finished a gig, and one of their crew members had suggested they went out to celebrate their performance. Dan had nothing better to do, Kyle was always up for anything that could get him drunk, and that was how everything had started. On their way to the fancy club their crew member was taking them, Dan and Kyle made fun of each other, as usual. Dan mocked Kyle’s shirt, the yellow one with cats on it, and Kyle mocked Dan’s hair, which was fair enough, because his hair was a real mess. Everything was the same as it had always been, and Dan wouldn’t have expected for anything different to happen later that night.

When they arrived to the club, it was already full, and they had to crawl through the sweaty bodies to reach the bar. They ordered a drink, then another, and another one again, and before Dan even realised what was happening, Kyle was dragging him to the dance floor with two other crew members he couldn’t remember the names of, being as drunk as he was. They were all thoroughly wasted, Dan reckoned, because they couldn’t even stand on their feet and had to support one another to not fall headfirst on the floor. Initially, Dan had his arm thrown over the only girl of their group’s shoulders - her name might have been Eva, or maybe Kate, he really couldn’t remember -, and they were facing Kyle and the other guy, who were supporting each other. At this point, it was still all fine. Dan always found Kyle hilarious when he was drunk, even more than the usual, and Kyle didn’t disappoint, he _was_ being hilarious, so Dan was laughing uproariously. He had no idea of how and when, but next thing he knew, he was in Kyle’s arms, Eva/Kate and the other guy had vanished further into the crowd, and both men were holding onto each other in something that was midway between a hug and a tight grasp to keep them from tripping over their own feet. Kyle was telling him a joke and it was lame, Dan knew it, but he couldn’t stop laughing, so much that his head was spinning and he had to take a step closer to his bandmate to rest his forehead against his collarbone. Soon enough, the laughters became nothing more than chuckles, because Dan was focused on Kyle’s warmth and his arms steadying him.

“Your lips are cold,” Kyle said over the music, and his voice was hoarse, which made Dan shiver for some reason.

That was when it occurred to him that he was kissing the skin of his friend’s neck. He frowned.

“Sorry,” he replied, trying to straighten up - in every sense of the word.

“No, it’s okay,” Kyle reassured him, tightening his hold so that Dan wouldn’t step away.

And Dan didn’t want to step away. But he was confused as to why his lips had decided to do _that_ without asking for his brain’s consent, and as to why Kyle wasn’t trying to stop him. So he did step away, and this time, Kyle let him. They stared into each other’s gaze for a bit, before the music changed and the crowd started cheering and dancing and they got carried in different ways by the current. Dan ended up having to pretend he was dancing with a complete stranger, and the only reason he pulled her closer was so he could look over her shoulder and search for Kyle, still deliberating about what all of this bloody meant. He found him, eventually, a few steps deeper into the crowd, and with a tug of his heartstrings, he realised that he was kissing a girl. Then, he wondered why the sight of it left him feeling sick. One of his best friends was probably going to get laid tonight, it was a good thing, right? So what if he had kissed Kyle’s neck? It didn’t mean anything. He was drunk, and he hadn’t even been aware of the fact that he was pressing his lips against his skin before Kyle had mentioned it. What mattered was that they were having some time off the next day, and they should have been taking advantage of it. Kyle was doing so, and Dan decided he would too, which was why he took it upon himself to initiate a kiss with the girl he was dancing with. She was fine with it, apparently, and even deepened the kiss, and everything was fine until Dan cracked an eye open and met Kyle’s cold stare. It was all really weird. First of all because Dan wasn’t used to kissing strangers in a club, but mostly because he was sure as hell not used to be doing it as he gazed intensely at his friend who was kissing another girl. He saw Kyle threading his fingers into the girl’s hair, and so he did the same. As a response, Kyle leaned in even more into his kiss and, without breaking eye contact with Dan, he let his lips wander around her jaw before finding her neck, and Dan saw her tilt her head back with a smile, so he decided he would be taking everything further by doing the same _plus_ giving the redhead keeping him company a love-bite, and _what the fuck was he even trying to do_? He would have been embarrassed to be doing this in public with someone he actually cared about, so to be doing it with an utter stranger? He had to take a step back again because the girl was short and his back was starting to hurt, and as he did so, he noticed that Kyle was gone. Looking around, he saw him power walking towards the entrance, and he apologised to the girl before running after him, elbowing his way out of the crowd as fast as possible. 

A cold breeze hit him as soon as he’d set a foot outside, making him feel dizzy, and he had to wrap himself up in his sweater as best as he could to not freeze to death. Putting his hood on, he scanned his surroundings, his glasses fogging up as a white cloud formed from his exhaled breath. It was dark, and surprisingly, there wasn’t a lot of people outside, only two or three smokers leaning back on the wall next to the doors. 

Dan looked for Kyle, but he was nowhere to be found, and for a moment, he felt like crying. He didn’t get it. What was happening to him? Was it all just because he was drunk? But it didn’t seem like alcohol was still racing through his veins. Was he going mad? Or was Kyle feeling it too? He had to have been perceiving it too, right? He had sensed the harshness in Kyle’s eyes as he watched Dan kissing this girl. Why would it upset him if he hadn’t experienced the heaviness that had sat on Dan’s chest? None of it made any sense, and Dan suddenly felt sick again, so he resolved that he would head back to their hotel. Which he did, and once he got to his room, it was with the craving of a shower and a good night’s sleep. But as soon as he’d closed the door behind him, he heard something move in the darkness and almost squeaked in protest when he got pinned to the wall as someone - Kyle - surged forcefully against him. He was about to tell him to fuck off and leave him alone, but as he lifted his head up, he saw how bright with lust Kyle’s eyes were, even with the lights off. It stopped him in his tracks. Kyle? Looking at _him_ with _lust_? Once again, it didn’t make sense at all, so Dan kept silent for lack of better option, waiting for Kyle to say something.

“Why did you do it?” the bearded man eventually asked in a low tone.

“Why did I do what?”

“You know what I’m talking about, Dan.”

Dan could only guess he was talking about him trying to top him at kissing strangers in a club, and the thing was, he didn’t have an answer. He, himself, had no idea why he’d done it. Seeing as he wasn’t saying anything, Kyle brought his face closer to Dan’s, and _oh God_ , it hurt having his lips brushing against his without actually kissing them. He had never known it was there, this craving for Kyle’s lips and Kyle’s hands and Kyle’s _everything_ , but Dan could see it so clearly, now. It felt like a goddamn firework of emotions rushing through him, and he had to assume it had always been there, in a corner of his head - and in a corner of his heart. He was scared and wanted to have Kyle telling him everything would be fine, but it didn’t feel right asking him what was happening in that moment. He was one of his closest friends, yet, it didn’t feel right asking him for comfort, and this hurt even more. 

“Go ahead,” Dan breathed out anyway, at last realising that Kyle was waiting for his consent to seal their lips together once and for all.

So Kyle kissed him, or Dan kissed Kyle, or they both collided at the same time, he couldn’t recall how exactly it had gone. It was more teeth and tongues than lips, and it wasn’t what Dan had expected their first kiss to be - not that he had expected them to kiss, with that being said -, but he was too caught up in the moment to care. It wasn’t long before Kyle had him panting against his lips, and when he stuck his hand behind Dan’s thigh, the blue-eyed man got the message right away and wrapped his legs around his waist, wincing as Kyle stumbled for a bit and had to pin him harder against the wall so they wouldn’t fall over. Kyle was still pissed, then. The annoyance - the _hurt_ , if he dared to say - it triggered in Dan’s whole body threatened to become overwhelming, so he linked his arms around Kyle’s neck and focused on their tongues battling for dominance again. It was all very messy, and as soon as Kyle got his hands on Dan’s belt, Dan twisted his neck to get back to kissing his collarbone, purposefully this time, and they tacitly agreed they would skip all the futilities. Before he had time to say anything, Dan was thrown onto the bed, and was avidly reaching for Kyle to sit astride him and kiss him again. They helped each other out of their clothes, and obviously Dan had to get stuck in his shirt, because who would Dan Smith be if he didn’t embarrass himself at least once a day? But it made Kyle laugh, thus Dan was fine with it. When Kyle got rid of his underwear, they both stopped to meet the other’s gaze, and if Dan had ever thought it would be awkward, he was proven wrong. Maybe it was the beers they’d drunk, or maybe it was the way everything had always been supposed to be, there was no way to tell at this point.

“Do you really want this?” Kyle whispered, and Dan shivered once more, with anticipation this time.

“I do. I really do,” Dan said softly, extending his arm forward so Kyle would take it as his cue to kiss him and get the work done.

And he did get the work done. It wasn’t Dan’s first time with a man, so it didn’t hurt when he felt Kyle filling him in after they'd taken every precaution that needed to be taken. He asked him to wait before moving, though, not because it hurt that much, but because he wanted to be able to see Kyle’s face. To actually _see_ it. Not briefly look at it, but observe his features with more detail. Kyle seemed confused at that, and that was when Dan realised he wanted to be able to kiss his nose, to run a hand through his beard, to intertwine their fingers, but he knew it wouldn’t have been appropriate. It wasn’t what all of this was about, and he could feel that him and Kyle would never really be a thing, would never be more than bandmates who had gotten drunk once and had lost themselves in the heat of the moment. It was such a shame, really, because Dan was sure it was on Kyle’s lips his boring name sounded the best when he came which was why, as he watched Kyle put his clothes on again afterwards, his own eyes burnt with tears at the idea of what they could have been. It was when Kyle left without even glancing back at him, though, that it him hard in the face. The way he felt about him. He had always guessed Kyle and him were just the close kind of friends, and it hadn’t alarmed him before that he always felt the need to touch Kyle even though he didn’t like to touch or be touched by others that much. Maybe there had been something else about it the whole time. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter anyway. Nothing would ever happen again, and he had to get over his stupid crush. Kyle probably already regretted even setting eyes on him, and there was no point in grieving over it, because it would be like it had never happened the next day.

* 

Dan had been right on one point. It had indeed been like nothing had ever happened the next day. But they both could paradoxically remember it happening, and so it happened again. The second time, it was right before a gig, and it had been Dan’s turn to run once he’d gotten dressed again. He didn’t know if it had anything to do with it, because Kyle and him never talked about it, but Kyle forgot some of the keys he had to play that night, which earned him questioning looks from his bandmates. 

It happened a third time, and this one time actually bewildered Dan, because they were back to London for a few weeks for Christmas, and on the second week, Kyle called him to invite him over, officially because they had work to do, but when Dan turned up at his door, it wasn’t even a second before Kyle was kissing him and Dan lost all notion of right and wrong. They stayed true to their habits, though. Dan didn’t even stay the night, he just broke away awkwardly as soon as they’d caught their breath again and left. Not because he wanted to, but because he felt like it was what Kyle expected from him.

Months went by. It kept happening. Dan knew it wasn’t okay, and he was very aware of the fact that he was hurting himself. Kyle seemed unchanged by the whole situation, which Dan couldn’t understand. He had to like the brief moments they spent together, or else he wouldn’t keep coming back to him. But it was probably just that to him. A good time to be having after a rough day, without consequences afterwards whatsoever. There were consequences, though. Not on Kyle’s side, maybe, but Dan could feel himself being more and more affected every time they parted wordlessly after sharing what should have been such an intimate moment. It hurt looking at Kyle laugh and pretend everything was normal when they were in public. But mostly, it hurt watching Kyle from the shadows, being his flirty self, when Dan couldn’t for the life of him figure out how to get him off his mind. He wanted everything to stop, he wanted to be given the chance to move on, but he also needed Kyle. He needed this weird intimacy - but an intimacy still - they shared. 

Besides, Kyle had started doing things that left him thinking that maybe, _maybe_ , there was more to it for him too. From times to times, in the middle of a gig, he would turn to look at Kyle, only to find him already gazing at him with an unreadable expression etched over his features. He’d started calling him baby, and Dan knew it was a very mundane thing for Kyle to be doing, but he could have sworn there was something more intense in the way he said it when it was directed at him. The feeling was reinforced by the fact that he’d also started calling him baby when it was only the two of them in the half-light of a room - “Come here, baby,” he would say softly, and Dan would obviously come here and let him kiss him. And although Kyle had always been extremely cautious and gentle in every one of these moments with Dan, making sure he was fine with it before doing anything, the softness of his voice and of his every movement had reached a whole new level. Now, they would be kissing, and when he had to tear tear his lips away from Dan’s in order to breathe, Kyle would rub his nose against Dan’s, which never failed to make the blue-eyed man smile. He would also rest his forehead against his and stroke his cheeks with his thumbs, and when it happened, Dan felt like melting right there and then. He had no idea if all of this actually meant anything at all, or if it was just them reaching a peak of weird closeness when they were hidden from the world, but it didn’t help his broken heart, that was for sure. And it had to come to an end.

***

It had been his resolve when he’d first knocked at Kyle’s hotel door that day. He wanted to tell him that it had to stop, that it'd been five months since this first night and that it was all too toxic for the both of them, but when Kyle opened the door, he found he was at a loss for words.

“Yes, Dan? How can I help you?” Kyle teased him after a while, since Dan was keeping quiet in the doorframe. He said nothing, so Kyle frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“No. I-I mean, yes. I mean.. I don’t know. I have to go,” Dan stuttered before heading back towards his own room.

“Wait!” Kyle shouted, running after him to grasp his wrist. “Since you’re here, could you maybe give me a hand? I wanted to cut my hair, but I can’t reach the back of my head, you know, so…”

Dan blinked. It was going to end up the same way it always did and still, he couldn’t find it in himself to say no. So he said yes, and he followed Kyle back into his room. Kyle apparently really needed a haircut, because he sat on a chair in the middle of the room and handed him the hair clipper. Dan complied immediately, and tried to not get distracted by his bare chest and the smoothness of the skin where his neck met his shoulders, telling himself that he would be out of here as soon as Kyle was satisfied with the length of his hair. When it was the case, Dan made his way back to the door, but Kyle called him back, and of course, Dan stopped.

“What is it, Dan? You can talk to me.”

Dan wanted to laugh because really, he couldn’t. If he talked to Kyle, he would have to tell him he’d fallen in love with him somewhere in the way, and he wouldn’t be able to bear Kyle trying to explain as kindly as he could that none of it had ever meant anything to him. He could feel tears of exhaustion, of frustration, but mostly of loving-someone-who-didn’t-reciprocate-your-feelings threatening to run out of his eyes, so he stayed silent again. He did that a lot, lately.

“Dan, look at me.” Dan didn’t. “Dan, baby, look at me.” And Dan did.

Kyle was standing right before him, and when Dan looked up at the bearded man, he felt tears streaming down his face, but it wasn’t like he could do anything about it. Kyle rested both of his hands on Dan’s cheeks and made it his duty to dry his tears as Dan studied him carefully. He leaned in to kiss him, and Dan let him at first. _It’s happened before, it’s gonna happen again_ , he thought. He raised a hand to put it on Kyle’s chest and gently pushed him away.

“Kyle, please. Stop. This has to stop,” he begged pathetically.

“What changed?” Kyle whispered after a moment, and Dan had the feeling he knew exactly what was the answer to this question, which was why he didn’t say it.

“I know you don’t feel the same.” was all he could manage to get out. He choked on the words, because saying them out loud made it real and hurt even more than thinking them.

“Did you ask me?” Kyle said, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

It made Dan frown. What was this supposed to mean? There was something unusual about Kyle, a solemnity he had never seen on his face before. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he asked anyway, because there wasn’t a lot left for him to lose.

“Do you like me? In _that_ way?”, he enquired, and his voice broke a little.

“Yes,” Kyle answered, and his eyes told Dan to let the real question out, the one his lips were burning to ask.

“Do you love me?” It felt both like a relief and like he was going to faint with what the words implied.

“You really are that blind, huh? Dan, you know I hate horror films. You know I hate sharks. Yet, I went through a horror movie in which the plot was built around sharks with you the other day, just so that I could watch you frown every time you thought something was incoherent, and to listen to your incessant and very-annoying-if-you’re-trying-to-watch-the-movie theories. What else do I have to do for you to pick up on the fact that yes, I do love you?”

Dan stayed dumbstruck for a good while. If there was something he hadn’t expected, it was this. Kyle, loving him? He had to sit down. He was dreaming, and he was going to wake up. There was no other explanation.

“ _Jaws_ isn’t a horror movie, Kyle. It’s a thriller.”

It was all he could say, and at least, it made Kyle laugh.

“Oh, trust me when I say it’s a horror movie.” He shook his head, then got closer to Dan to take his hands in his. “So? What do you say?”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Thought you didn’t reciprocate my feelings at first. Then, I felt like you were trying to get rid of these feelings, so I thought you didn’t want us to be together publicly, you know. Because we’re in a band together, and because maybe people wouldn’t appreciate two out of four male members of said band to be attracted to men,” Kyle explained with a shrug.

“I don’t give a fuck about what people think and you know it, Kyle. You should have told me.”

“I know. You should have told me too.”

It was true. Dan should have told him before too, so he really was in no position to be blaming him.

“Then I’m telling you now. I love you,” Dan said, and it didn’t feel as scary as he thought it would. It felt right, mostly.

“And I’m telling you now, I love you too.”

They smiled at each other and at how dumb they had been, and of course, _it_ did happen again after that. But this time, neither of them ran after they had collapsed onto Kyle’s bed, still out of breath. Dan reached out to kiss Kyle’s nose, to run a hand through his beard, and then intertwined their fingers, as he’d wanted to do it ever since the first time they’d slept together. Kyle mocked his hair again, and Dan made him stop by threatening him with the idea of him getting a shaved head. It was still the afternoon, but they slipped in between Kyle’s sheets anyway and wrapped themselves in each other’s arms, and Kyle kissed Dan’s cheek, which was as new as actually sharing a bed.

“Hey, Dan?” Kyle whispered sleepily after a while of them laying there.

“Hm?”, Dan hummed, the movement of Kyle’s hand stroking his back almost lulling him to sleep.

“This means we’re like… dating, right?”

Dan internally rolled his eyes, and opened one of them to look up at Kyle. He kissed his jaw and left his lips lingering against his chin for a second, before propping up his head back on his shoulder.

“Yes, Einstein. I don’t go telling everyone I love them to not date them in the end.” He paused. “Although, it depends. Are you going to keep calling all of your friends ‘baby’?”

Kyle bursted out with laughter beneath Dan, and that was the moment he knew he would never get tired of hearing him laugh. Kyle was always the one to bring guffaw from everyone with his jokes, so to succeed in making him laugh felt like Dan’s greatest achievement.

“Why? You jealous, _baby_?”

“I mean, yes? You ought to make me feel special, now,” Dan bit back in a very dramatic way.

“Alright, _baby_. You’ll be the only one I call that from this day on,” Kyle chaffed him.

And it made Dan grin, because it felt like a promise of a lot of other days to spend together. Maybe he could even push his luck to thinking about a _forever_ to spend together.


End file.
